The Good Girl's Masquerade: Emotional Dishonesty in a World Full of Pain

"The only antidote to the poisonous lie of performance is forgiveness. We have to receive forgiveness in order to live free because we cannot give what we have not first received. Our masks complicate this process because we know it isn't good to hold on to unforgiveness. So we hide behind our mask of indifference or we get busy in our performance to hide the hurt, the anger, and the pain that has been inflicted upon us. It is a toxic, exhausting way to live. It is not the way of Jesus." (Emily P. Freeman)

The Mask of Perfectionism
In my last post I tackled the subject of God's forgiveness through the eyes of the "good girl". "She want's to please God but deep inside she feels like an absolute failure. The more she tries to hide behind the mask of perfectionism the greater her heart condemns herself." The good girl struggles with an inaccurate view of God which makes it difficult for her to receive God's love and forgiveness.


As we take a closer look at The Lord's Prayer, I want to point out that the prayer for forgiveness is two-fold, "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors". The relationships in our lives will be negatively effected if you and I don't continually saturate ourselves in the truth of who God is and who we are in Christ. If you cannot allow yourself to personally receive God's grace and forgiveness it will hinder you from genuinely giving grace and forgiveness to others.

In her book, Grace for the Good Girl, Emily P. Freeman shares, "The reason it is so difficult to extend forgiveness to those who have failed us is because we are unable to receive forgiveness for our own failures. We believe we have to work hard to make God smile, to earn his favor, to keep him happy. We believe our mistakes discredit, our failures disqualify, and our lack proves our worthlessness."

Lies We Believe About Emotional Honesty
After going through a very painful breakup with the man I thought I would marry I spent a year in emotional denial. Only six weeks after it ended a well meaning person told me that I should be over him and needed to get a grip on my emotions. This person implied that if I was completely satisfied in my relationship with Jesus Christ I wouldn't be battling this deep grief.

Hearing these words, the "good girl" in me defiantly flared up in the face of my emotions. I determined then that I would stuff down the pain, move on and totally immerse myself in serving the Lord. I securely fastened the "I'm fine" mask to my good girl act and eventually deceived my heart into believing it to be true. Let's take a closer look at some of the lies I was believing:

1. For me to be emotionally honest is a sin
2. I just need to let it go and suck it up 
3. I verbally forgave my offender, therefore I just need to forget about it

The Truth About Emotional Honesty 

To genuinely forgive others is a direct reflection of how God forgives us. The problem for the good girl lies in the fact that she wears so many masks it is difficult for her to be emotionally real with God and others. What the good girl doesn't realize is that her emotions are the health indicator of her soul. 

Our soul is made up of three parts: mind (your ability to understand from your heart), will (your ability to choose) and emotions (your ability to feel). Of these three, your mind is the most important. What you think will influence what you choose which inevitably will affect your emotions. Emotional honesty unlocks what is really going on in your heart and mind:

1. Emotional honesty is not a sin but allows me to become vulnerable to my need for the cross and the grace of God. In the book of Psalms we see numerous examples of King David's blunt honestly with God as he wrestled through the emotional struggles within his soul. "O God, take up my cause! Defend me against these ungodly people. Rescue me from these unjust liars. For you are God, my only safe haven. Why have you tossed me aside? Why must I wander around in darkness, oppressed by my enemies?" (Read Psalm 43) David's words seem harsh but God already knew his thoughts. What fascinates me about the Psalms is the fact that all emotional outburst are surrounded by the renewed realization of David's need for God.
2. Emotional honesty allows me to "let it go" by give it to God. By suppressing it deep inside my heart I don't have the ability to "let it go". Emotional honesty allows you and I to understand the thoughts of our hearts. "Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Corinthians 10:5) How can you cast down negative thoughts if you fail to acknowledge your struggles before God and others? It's impossible! 
3. Emotional honesty is not forgetting the hurt but requires a willingness to live with the scars of the past as a daily reminder of God's grace in my life. Have you ever wondered why Jesus kept the scars of His death? These scars remind the world of the victory He had over death and sin. In Hebrews 8:12 it says, "And I will forgive their wrongdoings, and I will never again remember their sins." God isn't saying he forgets their sins. He is promising not to hold their sin against them. You and I have been called to do the same for others.  

Taking Off the Mask

When a wound isn't properly taken care of it festers. When this happens, the wound must be reopened and disinfected. This painful process is the only way the wound can truly heal. The same holds true with emotional scars. A year after my relationship ended God lovingly took me through spiritual heart surgery. Alone on a hilltop in Australia I took paper and pen and began to write down all the things I had suppressed for so long. I cried, I grieved and I truly forgave with my heart. It has been two and half years since then and I can honestly say my scars are a trophy of God's grace. 

Taking off your mask requires you to be honest before God and transparent before others. It requires humility. It requires grace. Don't allow the perfectionistic "good girl" to get in the way of our great God. May you and I be able to say with confidence, "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors".

Questions? You can either email me or leave me a message on my voicemail or text my google number: 646-504-6263