Surrender: Finding Joy in the Midst of Heartbreak

I hesitate as I write this post...

...It will point to the depths of my soul and make fresh the pain in my heart.

But my life is not my own. It belongs to my Savior and Redeemer. The life I now live, I live IN CHRIST JESUS. This is why I must write, for the Glory of my Father. A year ago I wrote a post about "Being Still". (reading that post will help you to understand this one better) Walking down this uncharted path was a giant leap of faith for me but as I firmly planted my hand in that of my Father's, I trusted His bidding...

"BE STILL AND KNOWING THAT HE IS GOD." Psalm 46:10

You might be wondering what kind of path I have been walking this last year. It was one filled with hopes and dreams. I began to believe that "Mr Right" had finally come. But on March 12th God ended our relationship. It was over and my heart ached with a pain I had never experienced before. The sorrow gripped the very depths of my soul.

In my pain I sought the Lord and I heard Him whisper to me once again,

"Laurie, be still and you WILL know (Experience) that I am God."

I noticed that my hand no longer gripped my Father's. I was too weak. Instead, He was holding me with a love that I cannot describe. In the moment when life hurt the most I saw His glory. In the moment when I cried until I felt that I could cry no more, I saw HE was crying too.

Two weeks later I would be speaking at our APFJ conference. I didn't think I could do it. The pain seemed to great. How could I give when I felt so empty? I hadn't even prepared my message yet. My topic? Surrender!

March 13th was a Sunday. I stayed home from church. My need to be alone with my Father was crucial. That morning I picked up a book entitled, "Surrender, the Heart God Controls" By Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Surrender. It is a act that is often couple with the emotion of fear. Our stubborn will declares us unable to bend to such a command. It is contrary to our nature. And yet, surrender is the only way to having an intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father. 99% surrender is 100% defiance.

The quiet whisper of my Father echoed in my heart once more:

"BE STILL (surrender) AND EXPERIENCE ME." Psalm 46:10

In the book on surrender, I found a prayer of written by a young 17 year old girl:

"Lord, I give up my own plans and purposes, all my own desires, hopes and ambitions, and I accept Thy will for my life. I give up myself, my life, my all, utterly to Thee, to be Thine forever. I hand over to Thy keeping all of my friendships; all the people whom I love are to take second place in my heart. Fill me now and seal me with Thy Spirit. Work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, for me to live is Christ. Amen" -Betty Stam (martyred for Christ at age 28)

My life is not my own. The price to KNOW my Father is to surrender all so that He might BE my all. On that quiet Sunday morning I decided to rededicate my all to Him. I printed up Betty Stam's prayer and underneath I wrote.

"Anywhere, anytime, any cost...I am willing Lord!"

Then I signed my name as a bond servant of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is hanging on the wall in my room as a daily reminder of surrender to Him.

Two weeks later I found myself speaking to audience of girls and moms on the importance of surrender. Right before I got up to speak I felt so sick to my stomach and my heart ached with the thought of telling my story. It was still so fresh. With God's help I spoke. The room went silent as I began to weep. Between my quiet sobs I managed to tell them my story. We often think that God + something else = fulfillment BUT we often fail to remember that...

...God is MORE than enough!

I finished speaking and the piano softly played, "I surrender all". Girls came to the front of the church and went to their knees before the Lord...surrendering all to Him. As I studied their faces I saw a joyful glow spreading over them. Yes, He IS more than enough for us!

Last year the Lord assured me that the path He wanted me to venture down would lead me closer to Him. No, I didn't find my Prince Charming and get married. But I found a love that will never let me go. I have experienced God in a way I've never known before. No regrets. I would not have changed the course of this past year.

"I am learning to be still and experience my God!"